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been pondering the “if” word for the last several days. more cerebral than the “f” word. you think more using ‘if.’ tip toe time down introspective road. if i had studied literature instead of pharmacy. if i hadn’t listened to my mother who liked the safety of a medical profession and discounts in hormones, antibiotics, epsom salts and cold cream. it was the summer of 1965 in belmar(part of jersey shore). hanging out at a basement bar in a small hotel on ocean avenue. strike out city. next day remorse and a severe sun burn. that night a pound of cold cream smeared over my 6′ 5″ frame. it did nothing for the pain and discomfort of my red skin and ego. if i had gone into the army in 1970. if i had listened to my mother and not married that girl on thanksgiving eve 1969.  if i had signed on with that washington lobbyist and done mail order things. more importantly, if we’re around as a species long enough, then every house will be solar powered.

 can’t stop thinking about if and tomorrow. if is a serious race. if is going to power me to write a second novel. if we win the race then we’ll live to be a quality 100 or 150 years old(never get a tennis court if). if grows a new heart when the old one needs an oil change; called redundancy. grow tuna fish meat in a dish in the basement. maybe grass(thc) too; certainly intellectually legal by then. imagine a drive in. big ‘m’ in green. maybe state colleges get the franchise to sell grass. help keep tuition down. a strange man at 2 separate conventions last spring wanted me to invest in ‘m’ dispensaries. strange? synchronistic? more if: if i hadn’t then i wouldn’t have found another vaporous reckless ostrich to lap sit close by and light my fire. what if jim didn’t sing those words on ed sullivan. if is a race. what a race. air. water. energy. food. more people. more traffic congestion. if we build a highway on top of a highway like a double deck bus touring greenwich village will there be less traffic?  i miss the village. the bitter end. dylan. folk. reason. times. sawdust on a bar floor. if no partisan politics. if milk was still delivered to your back door. if we do go back and start again in a parallel universe( with tweaking) then no bad sun burn and pound of wasted cold cream next time.

animals. much to say. i wonder if they feel and are aware. in 1975 for spiritual reasons i stopped eating red meat. now i feel pulled to go further. bill clinton is a vegan now. animals are investments and race for us, pull our wagons to market, used to deliver mail and pulled charlton heston’s chariot, spur a multi-billion dollar pet industry and are the recipients of so much human love and of course we eat them too. i remember seeing a documentary about elephants and how they mourn their dead. then there’s a crow who’s smart enough to put stones in a pitcher of water to raise the level so it could drink. bigger stones raised the level quicker.

 i’m so happy and healthy and haven’t had red meat in 35 years. my tennis game keeps improving still with no steak or pastrami in my diet. i’m open to learning more about animals. elephants and apes respond to mirrors so they’re aware. what an important word. aware. vegetarians are only 3% of our population. i saw another documentary about chickens being so tightly packed into cages there’s no room to stand. more aware now. saw on tv old race horses being shipped to mexico to be ground up. wonder how much water goes into watering grass so cattle can graze and wind up on a fast mood menu with or without cheese. back to the cold cream i used. we test so many drugs and cosmetics on animals. europe at least is moving towards regulation. keep wondering how an animal feels. maybe the if as we move towards transhumanism, singularity, nano and hand held computer futuristic devices which may even provide low level orgasms someday; if if we can just grow the animal ‘meat’ and let our earthly companions live in grace and dignity. i love youtube and exploring all the work done with apes and vocabulary and thought. need to love animals more.

 a long way to tipperary. if we get there. i love visions of long lines of people in white sarongs or togas waiting for fruit handouts and cups(made out of rice) of water. no more plastic bottles(and wire hangars) in a future that lets us live 150 years. and a final worry for a rainy late september day in central jersey. the sixth extinction: earth has already had five major extinctions in its four billion years. (the fifth was probably 65 million years ago. a meteor) this sixth extinction is another annihilation of species. except we’re causing it. every year we lose up to 100,000 animal species. tigers will be gone in ten years. 50% of earth’s species will have vanished in next 100 years. this is not a blog of doom and gloom. i feel like scrooge(alastair sim) talking to that last ghost of Christmas yet to be. i like to force the winter. thoughts of fireplaces. stockings hung. Christmas eve in montana. bright stars. dreams. billie burke(glinda) waving her wand at me. i am in montana. in a cabin. three feet of snow. loving the earth. its beauty. animals and people. a rocking chair. words in my lap. meditation and communion. can’t stop thinking about tomorrow. if only i had that magic wand. but i do. awareness. thanks grandfather.

to michelle p.  thanks for your spirit, energy and dedication. you inspire.

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